01 Oct 2022
Most of us have experienced a Difficult Conversation. Perhaps we have been on the ‘receiving end’ of one or started one ourselves.
We often resist these kinds of conversations because we have negative expectations of the end result. This can be unsettling and worrying, but with a bit of forward planning we can make the process easier and less troubling for all involved.
Let us look at 2 main areas:
- Planning the meeting
- How we present ourselves
1. Planning the meeting
How you prepare for the meeting will be largely down to the focus of the conversation and your level of emotional intelligence.
Nothing is won by pushing through people’s sensitivities, and this is not the place to press home a sense of power or authority. The goal is to create the least fall out or pain on either side.
The focus should be on seeking an agreeable solution for both parties.
Any power you feel you have should be managed with sensitivity and care for your colleague’s well-being (especially if you continue to work alongside them in the future).
If possible, choose a neutral location for your meeting. Advise the other party of the nature of your conversation beforehand, so that they can consider how to prepare and present themselves. It is disrespectful to suddenly invite someone to have a ‘difficult conversation’ with no preparation time.
Be clear that you are looking for a way to resolve ‘the issue’ between you and invite them to consider how you might do that.
2. How we present ourselves
Before you start your meeting, you may like to take a few minutes to set the right intention for what is to follow. Sit quietly and ask your ‘higher-self’ to guide you to be your ‘best-self’.
Allow yourself time to settle your thoughts and ease into your meeting. You may also like to practice a positive visualisation for a successful outcome.
Give yourself time to arrive from a previous appointment to mentally prepare. Rushing shows no respect for anyone.
As you start your meeting or conversation do not play the victim by saying how difficult this is for you. It is most likely hard for them too - you will not know how anxious the planned conversation or meeting may have made them and you will be doing them a disservice by saying so - especially if this meeting is some form of personal rejection (for example a termination).
You will both have agreed the ‘topic’ or subject under discussion. Get to the point quickly. Explain the purpose for the meeting and your agreed goal.
You may like to ask, “what do you think is the problem here?” or “How would you like to see us work on xyx?”
Focus on what you hear, rather than on what you say.
If you are taking something away from them - perhaps a project or some status for instance, then consider what you might offer as an alternative. Can you give something back? This can lessen the blow and save them from losing personal self-respect.
Do what you can to help the other personal see a way out of the situation and try to work towards an agreed solution.
If you pause after speaking and are listening attentively, then their responses will help you talk through alternatives (if there are any). Remember, you are looking for connections between you both.
Do not plan a script for what you feel you need to say. This will not allow for any careful listening for the other’s thoughts. A script closes off dialogue, has a set agenda and stifles any flexibility in response to what unfolds.
Be flexible and choose words that are clear and direct. They should be considerate, unthreatening, and unemotional!
As the conversation moves along, feedback what you understand the other person has said - and if you are not sure, then ask.
Ongoing feedback is an important aspect and helps you clarify things you may have misunderstood. It also helps advise you of ‘the next step’ or how to move forward. You are looking for shared thinking that could resolve any anticipated tension.
Try not to think of it as a ‘difficult conversation’ but more as a normal conversation where two people are trying to thrash out a problem in a safe, supported space.
How we ‘frame’ these meetings set the tone, and we should be mindful of our colleagues’ wellbeing, in any conversation we are involved in.
Love and light,
Geraldine
If you have a difficult conversation coming up and would like a script to help you visualise the best outcome , request your copy at https://www.geraldinejozefiak.com/challengingconverations
Want to know more about my upcoming course ‘Developing The Exam Mindset’? I will be looking for schools to ‘road-test’ it with me. You can get details here: https://www.geraldinejozefiak.com/exammindset2022launch